In the previous 2 articles we have explored how our Mind shapes our reality. We also looked at how our actions (training) can shape our mind and body.

Going a bit deeper into the psyche, I wanted to talk about the nature of Responsibility and how the patterns of our mind lead to goodwill (grace) or ill-will (shame).

Feeling overwhelmed?

I came from struggle. Not that I had any physical needs unmet. I definitely did not come from wealth, however I always head shelter and plenty of food. (At least until my uni days. :D )

However, mental struggle was my normality.

I felt overwhelmed on a daily basis. Life, or rather the people around me were too much to handle.

So I developed an avoidant relationship with responsibility.

Not to say that I was not a caring and kind child. I think those qualities have been with me and strengthened by my family and teachers over the years.

Yet, due to the overwhelm, I tried to avoid taking any additional responsibility. To the extent of having difficulty with making decisions even about what I want to eat. Indecision.

Now everyone's story is slightly different, however I see a lot of overwhelm and avoidance in my clinical practice.
We will come back to this shortly..

On Shame..

When someone feels overwhelmed, their reality becomes an unsafe environment for them. 
In such situations the brain is forced to 'think their way out' of this non-safety. It is looking for an escape route.

This seeking, or rather avoiding usually leads us down the path of shame and guilt. Being brought up in a very critical and unkind environment, naturally enhances our mental story of not being enough.

Those shameful internalised voices are further strengthened by the constant overwhelm, where we rationalize our inability of handling our 'unsafe' environment as shameful.

Often we also develop a deep desire to help those suffering around us. However as someone incapable of fulfilling their own needs, we often feel guilty for not being able to help others.

Thus we naturally start to associate our self-worth with how we feel in relation to other people.

This is crucial to understand. Our feelings have an effect on our worldview. Our nervous system is wired in a way to protect us, even if that results in us feeling shameful on a daily basis.

Children are very sensitive to suffering. And they do not have the logical understanding that it is not their responsibility to help adult figures. So the guilt deepens.

Naturally a child cannot control their environment. However as an adult, we definitely have the power to make (even if the tiniest) changes in our life.
Please keep reading on...

So how does shame and guilt affect us?

Think of yourself like your phone battery. When you go on about your day, feeling okay, your battery will slowly drain but it probably still be around a comfortable 30% when you retire to bed.

Now think of running apps on your phone. Editing videos, playing games, running an antivirus program whilst also watching a movie.

The more app you run on your phone concurrently, the quicker it will drain the battery.

Emotions and mental rumination do the same to us humans.

When we feel unsafe in our environment, the mind automatically keeps running an (antivirus) app to scan for danger around us.

Whenever a threat is found, our mind will start (Google) searching for all the possible reasons of how it might hurt us.

Then our brain has to come up with a copying mechanism. 
So the brain runs another app for distractions (Netflix or social media) or even a special app for dissociation (avoidance of sensations and emotions). 

All of these further and further drain our energy, and feed into our mental story of 'I cannot do anything about it'. A.k.a, Mental despair.

Naturally when one is overwhelmed and also exhausted, they will find ways to avoid further responsibility. Including looking after themselves.

Goodwill or ill-will?

I had a mini-breakthrough after listening to one of Ajahn Brahm's (Buddhist monk) talk on ill-will and compassion.

It is so obvious, yet easy to miss:
Entertaining shameful thoughts is an act of ill-will.

It is literally an activity which results in our own direct suffering, or the indirect hurt we cause to other people around us.

It is as simple as that. We must find omni-directional kindness within ourselves, in order to reduce the suffering (us and them).

Grace is defined as courteous good will.

Some Christian traditions define it as unmerited favour, kindness, and mercy. 

In Buddhism, a close equivalent may be compassion. The resolve to connect and accept one that may or may not be favourable to us.

In my opinion, regardless if you are a person of faith or not, Grace or compassion is the way for us to resolve those deeply engrained patterns of ill-will.

Thus, it is our primary responsibility to look after ourselves. As that is the only way we can truly care for others.

How can we get there?

Faith has been an options for thousands of years.
Today you also have a choice to seek helps from others to strengthen your muscles of compassion.
Looking to feel better in your body?

Please reach out by email to enquire about your first Holistic Coaching session!

Available both in person and online.

I love having a variety of different tools in my 'life toolkit' and these are my favourite go to tools!  As I was writing them down it made me realise who the vast majority of them are for down-regulating my nervous system.  Sometimes my practices as higher energy, activating and releasing but more often than not they help me to balance the fast pace of juggling a busy London life 😆

Movement & Music - both of these, without fail, help me come back into my body and ground me.  Whether it's soothing music and yin yoga, something more uptempo and Vinyasa yoga or resistance training or an all out disco for one and shaking my tail feathers, EVERYTHING feels better afterwards!

Nature - plugging into Mother Earth always soothes my soul and settles my mind and nervous system 💚 I feel really grateful I live near a beautiful forest.   I love seeing the seasonal changes and how the little buds are starting to peek through now!  My go to 'happy place' is always the sea 💙. I can happily while away hours watching and listening to the sound of waves and contemplating the vastness of the oceans.
 
Pranayama & Breathwork - a topic I could talk about for days!  It's our most accessible 'tool' that has the quickest impact on our nervous system and it's totally free!!!  I regularly check in with how I'm breathing and where I'm breathing into.  I often catch myself when I'm in a stressful moment and take a moment to reset my breathing and take a long slow breath.   Here is a breathing meditation I shared a few years ago that always helps me.
https://youtu.be/Z00E7bFmua0?si=44XQPprHUwPUHJfm
 
Meditation - my main practice is Vipasanna but I also love Yoga Nidra and listen to a variety of wonderful teachers.  This particular Yoga Nidra is one I am currently recommending to my clients and friends as I find I always feel so present and calm afterwards. 
https://insig.ht/iyHo2EndERb
 
Journaling - The Morning Pages is a practice I come back to time and time again.  I was introduced  to this journaling practice via a yoga teacher mentoring program many years ago and found it to be a real game changer.   It helps clear the mental chatter and clutter and I notice improved mental clarity and feel much more spacious and clear.
 

How can Tai chi help to build resilience and confidence?
 
As a therapist of  the Eastern arts, I have come across many modalities that help people grow, become more confident, resilient and overall content with their life.
I am generally fascinated by both psychology, medicine and eastern philosophy. Yet, what I would call the most powerful tool in my toolbox would -hands down- be Tai chi.
 
It is a martial art that goes way beyond the martial and directly creates a reflective experience where healthy resilience naturally grows.
 
Resilience is the fruit of effort. The work resulting in mental, physical and emotional strength and pliability, leading to self-confidence.
 
One of the fundamental aspects of Tai chi is the engagement of the mind within the body.
 
So how does it help us build resilience?
 
When you practice the art, you are asked to leave all other thoughts and feelings behind. Instead, allow the mind to saturate into the flesh. This develops mindfulness of the body.
 
When you go through the practice of body opening/loosening, it requires sustained mental effort to meet your discomfort. To look compassionately and intimately towards your own limits. Maintaining awareness and acceptance. This develops mental fortitude.
 
During the standing meditations, you first of all create a structure which you must hold for a period of time. Within this structure you relax and release the muscles, thus your habitual tensions. You experience sensations and connections that you have never felt before. This creates a change in your perception and gently pulls you out of your general one-sided thinking. Opening the mind and body.
 
In both seated and standing meditation, you work on maintaining your focus in one physical/energetic location. This develops attention and one pointed focus.
 
Whilst practicing the form/moves, your brain will keep shouting and shaming you for not doing it correctly. You are forced to face your critical self and develop a new, compassionate relation with it. This develops your character, balance and coordination.
 
The constant effort to maintain awareness in the body, whilst experiencing a multitude of sensations, both pleasant and unpleasant, builds a doorway to your nervous system, which you have control over once you have developed enough awareness
 
You can choose to fight it, flee from it or simply accept it for what it is. This builds direct resilience in the nervous system.
 
You see, it is very difficult to get through life without resilience.
 
But we are so lucky to have a tool (and I am sure there are others out there as well) which builds:
 
- the strength and resilience of mind,
- the fortitude and flexibility of the body,
- the stillness and openness of the heart
 
Whilst also balancing our energetic body and the nervous system.
 
Furthermore, throughout the partner drills we also have the opportunity to work on how we relate to one another. How we respond to the touch, emotions and thoughts of others. This is a big part of developing resilience.
 
Thus, we become strong and kind towards our internal and external environments. This is true resilience.
 
Maybe now you can understand why my passion lies so deep in this art.. :)
 
Looking to build resilience into your life?
I am currently running 2 beginner friendly courses in Crystal Palace:
 
Mondays: 18:30 – 19:30
Tuesdays 18:00-19:00
 
- Small groups of around 8-10 people
- Hands on corrections
- Always welcome to ask questions
 
Investment: £12.50 per class
Location: Kin Wellbeing studio and Crystal Palace Osteopaths

Excited to try something new to change and/or grow resilience in your life?
 
Please email me at
[email protected]
Or WhatsApp me on:
07308889603
 
Looking forward to meeting many of you at class,
Miha

From a February fug to a spring in her step, acupuncturist Philippa Summers reflects on what matters to her in her life and what resources she can draw on to live her optimum life

Feeling Like Spring
 
Light spills over the hills
Winter becomes a fable
Here are the flames of spring
The flickering March to April
 
                                        Lemn Sissay

I don’t mind the winter. Being out in all weathers often makes me feel more alive, but this year the cold, wet, dreary weather seemed to drag on. Not much in the way of cheer in the news either, to put it mildly.  It brought on an introspective February Fug. I know I wasn’t alone in feeling that way.
 
So where do we look for the support and resources when our inner world feels a bit wintry? What are the things that help to keep us grounded, inspired, uplifted and connected, and what helps to sustain us. We are all different and we will all need different things at different times. What are those things for you?
 
When I thought about this for myself I was drawn to noticing the things that make up the tapestry of my daily and weekly routines and how they create this fabric of support, connection and sustenance. It is easy to take these things for granted. Mine is filled with friends, family, meals together, cooking, gardening and the allotment, Brockwell Park in all its glory, nature, films and books. A particular focus of the last few months has been generally getting fitter and building strength so going to the gym and swimming are now also firmly on the list. I have gone from pushing myself to do them, to carving out time for them.
 
That routine is peppered with variation and excitement like bright beacons of light, a meal with friends, bookclub, Gin club(!), poker nights, a night out dancing and moments of spontaneity, exploration and curisosity. Together they create a balance of sociable and quiet times, some reflection but not too introspective.  It’s a gratitude list of sorts and a reminder to notice and acknowledge the things that nourish us, make time for them and to reach out and connect.  I deliberately chose not to focus on the bigger events like holidays.
 
Thinking back to that February Fug feeling. There were a couple of specific bits of advice and support that I found especially helpful. One was a reminder from my husband not to judge any feelings, not to label them as good or bad, not to fight them or try to make them go away, just notice and accept them and let them be there. Maybe to observe them with curiosity.
 
The other from a friend was an app recommendation, Insight Timer, which presents a varied selection of mindfulness, meditation, yoga Nidra, relaxation and breathwork resources . There are guided exercises and short sequence programs with some wonderful presenters. If you are looking for something you can use at home to build a meditation habit or help you to de-stress and relax then do check it out. Thanks for the recommendation, Angie!
 
And of course, the change in weather and season certainly helps. The sun is out, spring is springing up, the birds have that frisson of excitement in their chirrups, green shoots are appearing and the swans in Brockwell are on their nest.  The fug has lifted and life has a spring in its step. I hope you feel it, too.