Shame, Responsibility and Grace

Acupuncturist and coach Miha Rosta considers our relationship with responsibility and how this interplays with shame and grace in our lives, shedding light on how we might use this understanding to adjust our experience of life

In the previous 2 articles we have explored how our mind shapes our reality. We also looked at how our actions (training) can shape our mind and body.

Going a bit deeper into the psyche, I wanted to talk about the nature of Responsibility and how the patterns of our mind lead to goodwill (grace) or ill-will (shame).

Feeling overwhelmed?

I came from struggle. Not that I had any physical needs unmet. I definitely did not come from wealth, however I always had shelter and plenty of food. (At least until my uni days. :D )

However, mental struggle was my normality.

I felt overwhelmed on a daily basis. Life, or rather the people around me were too much to handle.

So I developed an avoidant relationship with responsibility.

Not to say that I was not a caring and kind child. I think those qualities have been with me and strengthened by my family and teachers over the years.

Yet, due to the overwhelm, I tried to avoid taking any additional responsibility. To the extent of having difficulty with making decisions even about what I want to eat. Indecision.

Now everyone's story is slightly different, however I see a lot of overwhelm and avoidance in my clinical practice.
We will come back to this shortly..

On Shame..

When someone feels overwhelmed, their reality becomes an unsafe environment for them. 
In such situations the brain is forced to 'think their way out' of this non-safety. It is looking for an escape route.

This seeking, or rather avoiding usually leads us down the path of shame and guilt. Being brought up in a very critical and unkind environment, naturally enhances our mental story of not being enough.

Those shameful internalised voices are further strengthened by the constant overwhelm, where we rationalize our inability of handling our 'unsafe' environment as shameful.

Often we also develop a deep desire to help those suffering around us. However as someone incapable of fulfilling their own needs, we often feel guilty for not being able to help others.

Thus we naturally start to associate our self-worth with how we feel in relation to other people.

This is crucial to understand. Our feelings have an effect on our worldview. Our nervous system is wired in a way to protect us, even if that results in us feeling shameful on a daily basis.

Children are very sensitive to suffering. And they do not have the logical understanding that it is not their responsibility to help adult figures. So the guilt deepens.

Naturally a child cannot control their environment. However as an adult, we definitely have the power to make (even if the tiniest) changes in our life.
Please keep reading on...

So how does shame and guilt affect us?

Think of yourself like your phone battery. When you go on about your day, feeling okay, your battery will slowly drain but it probably still be around a comfortable 30% when you retire to bed.

Now think of running apps on your phone. Editing videos, playing games, running an antivirus program whilst also watching a movie.

The more app you run on your phone concurrently, the quicker it will drain the battery.

Emotions and mental rumination do the same to us humans.

When we feel unsafe in our environment, the mind automatically keeps running an (antivirus) app to scan for danger around us.

Whenever a threat is found, our mind will start (Google) searching for all the possible reasons of how it might hurt us.

Then our brain has to come up with a coping mechanism. 
So the brain runs another app for distractions (Netflix or social media) or even a special app for dissociation (avoidance of sensations and emotions). 

All of these further and further drain our energy, and feed into our mental story of 'I cannot do anything about it'. A.k.a, Mental despair.

Naturally when one is overwhelmed and also exhausted, they will find ways to avoid further responsibility. Including looking after themselves.

Goodwill or ill-will?

I had a mini-breakthrough after listening to one of Ajahn Brahm's (Buddhist monk) talk on ill-will and compassion.

It is so obvious, yet easy to miss:
Entertaining shameful thoughts is an act of ill-will.

It is literally an activity which results in our own direct suffering, or the indirect hurt we cause to other people around us.

It is as simple as that. We must find omni-directional kindness within ourselves, in order to reduce the suffering (us and them).

Grace is defined as courteous good will.

Some Christian traditions define it as unmerited favour, kindness, and mercy. 

In Buddhism, a close equivalent may be compassion. The resolve to connect and accept one that may or may not be favourable to us.

In my opinion, regardless if you are a person of faith or not, Grace or compassion is the way for us to resolve those deeply engrained patterns of ill-will.

Thus, it is our primary responsibility to look after ourselves. As that is the only way we can truly care for others.

How can we get there?

Faith has been an options for thousands of years.
Today you also have a choice to seek help from others to strengthen your muscles of compassion.
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